Nervous System Mastery: Forget love, what’s rejection got to do with it? A lot!
Have you ever considered your own relationship with rejection? We may not realise it but it features directly or indirectly in all aspects of our lives. This is not just confined to romantic rejection but rejection of things like our identity, appearance and beliefs.
Rejection is processed in the same area of the brain as physical pain, this is why rejection really does hurt. This allows us to marry psychology and biology more easily and highlight that sensitivity to rejection is on a continuum and may change throughout the lifespan. At its most severe rejection or even perceived rejection can be excruciating with a physical wound sensation. It would therefore make sense that humans can deploy many kinds of avoidance tactics to protect against the sensation, even if we aren’t consciously aware that is what we are doing!
Our senses (sight, taste, touch, hearing, interoception etc) are constantly picking up what is happening in our environment and feeding this back to the brain/nervous system. The brain acts like a prediction machine on how to respond to any given environment, with our nervous system keeping us safe at any cost, which of course means avoiding pain whether it be physical or psychological. Its response is governed by previous experiences. Here is a ‘simple’ example to explore:
As a child our ideas and/or creativity are ridiculed and dismissed by a parent/primary care giver.
The rejection is very painful.
Our nervous system deploys a strategy to protect against any future similar scenarios.
It chooses dissociation (become separated from our body, our sense of self) and people pleasing.
Our ideas and creativity are silenced to avoid the chance of them being rejected again.
But other peoples ideas are wonderful and amazing.
Our coping strategies are often chosen at a subconscious level. Here’s why:
The nervous system was there originally to protect our physical bodies (e.g. freeze, dissociation, fight and flee). Therefore if a predator is coming towards us, we don’t want to waste time engaging in cognitive thought of what are the best options. We want the nervous system to do it for us out of conscious control. Great for physical danger but perhaps not always so helpful for a psychological one. Nonetheless it is still our nervous system trying to protect us.
We all have to manage rejection every day of our lives, of course it is part of being a human being. Ranging from the big things mentioned in the opening to things like no email response back, not getting promotion or colleagues arranging a meeting without you. Maybe just start to notice how your nervous system responds to rejection. Getting curious with what our own nervous system is communicating can engender new pathways in the brain to be forged, with old coping strategies being thanked for their good work and reassured they are no longer needed. Equally maybe start to notice family, friends and colleagues and their sensitivity to rejection because the more aware we are the more chance we have of creating a kinder and sustainable world.